do you ever feel as if the best moments have passed?
that the best is behind you?
that friends, jobs, health and opportunities get shittier and thinner each year?
have you ever thought about dying?
not in like an old age or cancer way, but like locking yourself in the garage with the car on, slowly falling asleep in the carbon monoxide?
ive written my last letters to people. ive thought about where i would do it so the wrong people dont find me. ive thought about what caliber bullet would do the most damage. the angle of trajectory. what would go through my mind if i was falling off of a building, from a bridge, in front of a train. would it hurt? would i feel the pain?
who would show up to my funeral? who would be upset that i took my own life? who would resent me? how many peoples days would i ruin? who would respond with a snicker and a sigh? would it make absolutepunk.net?
ive written a will of sorts. where the little money i have would go. who would end up with my transformers. what to do with my clothes and where all of my merch would be distributed. ive gone so far as to write the email with my password information so someone could post on here that i will no longer be around to update.
yes, ive thought these things all my life up to and including recently.
for all the positivity, at the end of the day, i am who i am. just a person.
ups and downs. a past. genes that im tired of fighting.
a lineage of relatives whose blood i cant stand runs through my veins.
and a doctor that says its a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me feel like this.
there is a struggle in all of us and i know what its like to want to give up. to not feel like this anymore. to feel nothing. to disappear. to forget. to never again have anyone be disappointed in you. to never have to remember those nights when that dark figure snuck into your room. to not have to hide behind password protected words, lonely nights crying ourselves to sleep, punching ourselves in the head, screaming with clenched teeth because we cant stand what we've become.
to forget who made this all possible.
who infected us with their DNA.
who abandoned us without support.
fuck them all. fuck everyone. fuck everyone who never took a second to see who we truly are.
wouldnt it just be the greatest revenge ever to just, you know, leave?
i have thought this on more occasions i care to admit.
so why do i keep it up? why would i continually subject myself to one more day of sunlight and eventual darkness; to the discouragement of unsupportive friends, liars and a family you can never crawl away from? what is it in me that wont let this battery stop running?
because fuck them.
yes, fuck them.
because a bigger fuck you would be to stick around and smile in their faces.
to get beaten up by the daily bullies and get back up for more.
because fuck them.
because for every day i wake up, every day i move forward, every day i make a new friend, a stronger relationship, read a book, find a cause, hug a stranger, write away the pain, comb my hair, breathe in and out and step outside and look up and see a sun... i win.
but see, its not about winning. its about not letting THEM win.
its about realizing that its not our
movie, but MY movie. and i get to direct it how i see fit.
for years i allowed the haters in my life dictate the course of my life. now, i sail to where the sun is the brightest. where the kids are the most sincere. where i find support and love. and the only way i know how to be better, to make the days tolerable and to not let them win is by getting up, walking outside, smiling, looking around and saying, "this is my motherfucking movie, and it doesnt end til i say it does."
does it still hurt?
but im still here.
and you're still here.
and if you're reading this, it means you never gave up.
because you're stronger than they think you are.
because you're stronger than you
think you are.