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christopher gutierrez
fuck them. 
14th-Apr-2009 12:54 pm
do you ever feel as if the best moments have passed?
that the best is behind you?
that friends, jobs, health and opportunities get shittier and thinner each year?

have you ever thought about dying?
not in like an old age or cancer way, but like locking yourself in the garage with the car on, slowly falling asleep in the carbon monoxide?

i have.

ive written my last letters to people. ive thought about where i would do it so the wrong people dont find me. ive thought about what caliber bullet would do the most damage. the angle of trajectory. what would go through my mind if i was falling off of a building, from a bridge, in front of a train. would it hurt? would i feel the pain?
who would show up to my funeral? who would be upset that i took my own life? who would resent me? how many peoples days would i ruin? who would respond with a snicker and a sigh? would it make absolutepunk.net?
ive written a will of sorts. where the little money i have would go. who would end up with my transformers. what to do with my clothes and where all of my merch would be distributed. ive gone so far as to write the email with my password information so someone could post on here that i will no longer be around to update.
yes, ive thought these things all my life up to and including recently.

for all the positivity, at the end of the day, i am who i am. just a person.
ups and downs. a past. genes that im tired of fighting.
a lineage of relatives whose blood i cant stand runs through my veins.
and a doctor that says its a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me feel like this.

there is a struggle in all of us and i know what its like to want to give up. to not feel like this anymore. to feel nothing. to disappear. to forget. to never again have anyone be disappointed in you. to never have to remember those nights when that dark figure snuck into your room. to not have to hide behind password protected words, lonely nights crying ourselves to sleep, punching ourselves in the head, screaming with clenched teeth because we cant stand what we've become.
to forget who made this all possible.
who infected us with their DNA.
who abandoned us without support.

fuck them all. fuck everyone. fuck everyone who never took a second to see who we truly are.
wouldnt it just be the greatest revenge ever to just, you know, leave?

i have thought this on more occasions i care to admit.


so why do i keep it up? why would i continually subject myself to one more day of sunlight and eventual darkness; to the discouragement of unsupportive friends, liars and a family you can never crawl away from? what is it in me that wont let this battery stop running?
because fuck them.

yes, fuck them.

because a bigger fuck you would be to stick around and smile in their faces.
to get beaten up by the daily bullies and get back up for more.
because fuck them.
because for every day i wake up, every day i move forward, every day i make a new friend, a stronger relationship, read a book, find a cause, hug a stranger, write away the pain, comb my hair, breathe in and out and step outside and look up and see a sun... i win.

but see, its not about winning. its about not letting THEM win.
its about realizing that its not our movie, but MY movie. and i get to direct it how i see fit.
for years i allowed the haters in my life dictate the course of my life. now, i sail to where the sun is the brightest. where the kids are the most sincere. where i find support and love. and the only way i know how to be better, to make the days tolerable and to not let them win is by getting up, walking outside, smiling, looking around and saying, "this is my motherfucking movie, and it doesnt end til i say it does."
does it still hurt?
fuck yes.

but im still here.
and you're still here.

and if you're reading this, it means you never gave up.

because you're stronger than they think you are.
because you're stronger than you think you are.

chicago to paris.
Comments 
14th-Apr-2009 06:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you... sorry that I can't add more to it, but there is nothing more to say...
14th-Apr-2009 06:13 pm (UTC)
are you having post tour depression?
14th-Apr-2009 06:24 pm (UTC)
Anonymous
"because a bigger fuck you would be to stick around and smile in their faces."
i'm going to keep that in mind.
thank you.
14th-Apr-2009 06:30 pm (UTC)
thank you.
14th-Apr-2009 06:30 pm (UTC)
This made me feel a little sick, and a lot teary, because it hits way harder and closer than I wish it did. Thankyou :(
16th-Apr-2009 08:20 am (UTC) - exactly
Anonymous
exactly what I would have typed myself.
My chest got all tight...and I teared up
14th-Apr-2009 06:31 pm (UTC)
thank you for writing this.
14th-Apr-2009 06:38 pm (UTC)
giving up means that they won. it doesn't matter who "they" are, but letting them win is the biggest slap in the face ever.

thank you for being you. it seems insignificant as i type it out, but really, you are doing what you do for a good reason. and there's a reason you've stuck around.
14th-Apr-2009 06:40 pm (UTC)
I totally understand everything you said.
And I love your shirt.
Hit 'em with a freeze pop.
14th-Apr-2009 06:46 pm (UTC)
I don't comment much, because I never really know what to say. I'm one of them lurker types I suppose, but I don't think you realize how badly I needed to read this today.

So just...thank you. Thank you.
14th-Apr-2009 06:47 pm (UTC)
Yes.
14th-Apr-2009 06:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
14th-Apr-2009 06:55 pm (UTC) - I did it for my mom
Anonymous
My dad was a loser and an ass-hole, I grew up in one of the only places in America where it was almost a crime to be white, I suffered a lot of depression, but what kept me storng was that for all the filth in my DNA, there's also the goodness of my mom. while I know she's just a person and definatly not a saint or anything, I always knew she loves me...no matter how many haters and assholes would have loved to see me break, or fall,and no matter how hard they beat up on this little girl I always got up, I always tryed harder, because I always have had that wall and knew no matter how big thier hate, I have 1 person im my corner no matter what.
14th-Apr-2009 07:01 pm (UTC)
You have an amazing gift of always saying the right thing at the right time.
Thank you.
14th-Apr-2009 07:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Chris. There was never more of a perfect time for a post like this to appear on my page.
14th-Apr-2009 07:11 pm (UTC)
You have no idea how hard this hit home for me. No idea at all. I'm living with 3 girls that absolutely hate everything about me, from what I wear, what I say to everything I do, and they have made my life a living hell every single day of this year. You just put into words so eloquently what I have been trying to tell myself everyday.

Five days ago, I tried to end it all, just to make them go away. Make them think about what they have and said to someone that they thought they knew inside out, and I automatically thought 'If I kill myself, they win. They won't have any hesitation about laughing while thinking of all of the fun they had destroying the last shreds of self confidence, the last pieces of sanity that I held.

Five days ago, I decided that I was going to hold my head up high. I decided that their negativity wasn't worth all of the pain that they had caused me, and that I was going to show them that they could not touch me. Even though they still whisper behind my back, even though they still try to bring me down like they knew they had been, I was not about to show them what they had done.

I think that living my life the way I want to instead of playing by their rules is the ultimate 'fuck you'. You honestly have written something that I will read daily as a reminder, that I will gather hope and strength from. I'm sorry for making this so long, but this has seriously helped give me the reason I needed for fighting back against this, and not take it laying down. Kudos to you.
14th-Apr-2009 10:32 pm (UTC)
good for you!

stay strong :)
14th-Apr-2009 07:24 pm (UTC)
thank you.

14th-Apr-2009 07:28 pm (UTC)
Maybe you should be my therapist instead of the one I pay to see every 3 months.

I'd get "better" a hell of a lot quicker, I think.
14th-Apr-2009 07:31 pm (UTC)
i will never give up on you, chris.

thank you.
for everything.
14th-Apr-2009 07:35 pm (UTC)
Reading these words would have made things a lot easier had they been written 8 years ago. But they've kicked me in the ass nonetheless. Thanks, kid.
14th-Apr-2009 07:36 pm (UTC)
this is exactly what i needed to hear. thank you chris, so much.
14th-Apr-2009 07:53 pm (UTC)
this is why i started reading your blog in the first place. i really needed to hear this.
14th-Apr-2009 08:03 pm (UTC)
'its not about winning, but not letting them win'
14th-Apr-2009 08:04 pm (UTC)
that stood out to me
15th-Apr-2009 03:19 am (UTC)
Thank you.

I've gona as far as, making a list of who my mom should tell first if I die or end up hospitalized.
14th-Apr-2009 08:05 pm (UTC)
Anonymous
Thank you.

Really.
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